I hear it all the time "Oh you're an adoptive mom", um no. I'm a mom. Short, simple and to the point. I don't say to you, "Oh, you squirted one out your vajayjay, you're a biological mom". Yes, I missed his birth, yes I missed his first birthday but really those in the long run don't matter. I have been through the 5 childhood fevers and rashes, his ear infections, his surgeries, his skinned knees, his first steps, the shooting cheerios out his nose, his first day of school. The dancing in the rain to catch rain drops on our tongues and the muddy shoe prints across the floor. The first time he said “I love you mommamom (not a typo, that’s what he used to call me). I will be there for his first time driving, his first love, his first loss. I hold him when he cries and hug him when he's happy. We play video games together even though I suck at it. He knows it, he doesn't care. I'm the one who is tough on homework and bedtime. I make him clean his room and fumigate it at least once a month. There is nothing “adoptive” about any of that. Some of you might get angry and declare yourself an “adoptive parent” and that’s ok. I am only speaking about myself and my son. To adopt is to acquire and yes that is how I come to have my son but it was only a moment in time. The adoption process was only a process. From the moment I saw his face, from the moment he was handed to me, from the moment he first smiled at me, he was my son and I his mom.
We hear it all the time in the media, "So and so is survived by his two biological children and his adoptive children". What?? Why the need to differentiate? Do you think Mister So and So sat at the head of the dinner table and said "You there, my biological children may begin eating, when they are done you the adoptive ones can finish up and then clean this place spick and span". Can you tell this irritates me? When my son was little, he didn't pay attention to such idiocy. Now at 13 he pays attention to the news and is also irritated by it. He too would like to know why it makes such a difference. Who cares? Is there someone out there secretly keeping count? Think how the children must feel when they are segregated out from the family. I am disheartened everytime I hear it. I have been lucky, most in my family were happy with me going through the adoption process. I say most as there were a few dissenters. When I brought him home however it was as though he was born to the family. He is us and we are him. He has his uncles tendency to get overly aggravated, he has his grandfathers wit, he has one of his grandmothers sense of right and his other grandmothers love of small things and he has his mothers sarcastic wit. We are family which means we love each other no matter who they are or where they came from. Family is not blood, family is bound by love, anger, passion, glee, joy, sadness, pain, and truth.
Another problem that I have are the questions that we get. I mean really, stop and think before asking a question.
When someone asks me “Oh when did you adopt?” Nice question, no problem.
Me, “I brought him home when he was 13 months old”.
Them, “Oh really, does he still speak his native language”.
Me, hmmmm, what?
Them “I mean, it must be hard for him having to think about speaking english”.
Me, hmmmm, what?
How about one of my favorites
Them, “He was born in a muslim country so what are you going to do when he wants to go over and fight with them?”
Them, “How far behind in school is he?”
Me, “Excuse, why would you think that?”
Them, “Well english is not his first language”
I know that people are just curious. Please though stop, think and ask yourself if it was your child, what would you say.
So why write this now, two reasons. One, there is a wonderful posting going around on Facebook about what a mother and her two daughters have been through and the stupid ass things that people say to them. Some of the questions were funny while others are just plain hurtful. The second, is a video that I saw the other day that was actually quite good and made me laugh and think. The guys at Cyndago
made a wonderful and humorous video starring Markiplier
, but the message is really at the end of the video. It was great to see (cough, cough) young people caring about and wanting to make a difference about adopting and attitudes towards adoption. Attitudes do need to change. If we can’t change the elders perhaps changing the younger ones will be more successful. Ask yourself, what is family? Do you like yours? How do you want your loved ones treated? All I’m asking really is to consider the feelings of others.
Neither my son nor I ever think about what brought us together as a family. Every once in a while, I will bring up where he was born and ask if he is curious. His answer is always the same "No, I have a family".
We are family.
Enjoy life, it's the one you have.
Tammie(ps: you may have read this before, I updated it so that it matched what I posted on BlogHer, 20Apr15)
Damn, only spent 1 hour studying today. I had a project out in the garage that was just begging to get done. Begging I'm telling you, begging. So like a mook, I gave up and did it. See my son really, really needs a side table for his room. He's been using a TV tray that is too tall for his new bed and it has already fallen over once. I just couldn't go another day with it like that, just couldn't. So part, really most of the day was spent out there. I love working out in the garage, though it still needs a fair amount of work. This weekend, I am hoping to rectify that final problem. All of the builds that I have done lately will be over on the DIY blog area soon. I have a rough draft of today's build but it is still lacking the final photo. The table will need to have a polyurethane coat added tomorrow and then it will be complete. I love building but I can tell you that I do not look like any of the other women that I see posting builds. They are all clean clothes, nice nails, beautifully coiffured hair. Me, I look like I've just wrestled with a grizzle and it may have drooled black ichor on me. My hands look like this, yes and that's clean. Poor things, so dry and frazzled. Notice, no nail polish, no rings. Safety first people. I also wear safety googles, thick gloves when working with heavy pieces, face mask and hearing protection. I am such a safety nerd. I probably should clip my nails to work with the different tools, as you can see the little pinky one was kinda ripped off today. It snagged on some wood and licky split it was gone. I may have shed a small tear.
Not to prograstinate more or anything, but I may go look at table saws tomorrow. MMMMMmmmm, table saw. It is about the only tool that I am lacking. Ok gotta go.
I really am going to go study because that's how I roll on a Friday night. Woot.
So, it's been over a month since I lost my job and I would like to say that I have a new one, NOT. I find myself not even looking. No, no not lazy or depressed, just busy. I've decided to see if the consultant gig would work for me. I have over 20 years of experience in my field and maybe, just maybe someone will pay me for that. Hummmmm, maybe. We will have to see.
So over the last 3 weeks I have been mired in the paperwork that goes with trying to start your own home based not home based business. Do I go sole proprietorship, LLC, Corp S.........ahhhhhhhh. It is mind boggling that anyone gets a business off the ground. I have spent endless, mind numbing hours reading through the small business administration website. Ass numbing and mind numbing, and frustrating. Many of the links no longer work or take you to some place else. It makes you want to spit coffee at your computer screen. Not that I would do that mind you, I bought this computer. There is quite a bit of information there, some of it out of date, some of it very confusing and some actually helpful. I have also been searching and reading about the benefits of an LLC and the downfalls of sole proprietorship . I have finally settled on an LLC. It separates my personal assets from the company so that if, God forbid I get sued, none of my personal can be taken. I could go a Corp S as a small business but the paperwork involved was more than I wanted to do right now and it's more expensive to get off the ground. The other is what to name your business. Holy smokes, I have agonized over this. I sent out lists to friends and family to get their opinion. Before you can apply for anything, this is the question that HAS to be settled first and remember, you are stuck with it unless you want to pay for all the paperwork again!
Still the amount of work to get an LLC off the ground is just under the mind boggling. The other problem is the order that you need to do everything in. That took a while to sort out. Since I am on limited funds, I didn't want to pay someone to do it for me. I do now have my EIN number (IRS assigns this to you and it is the simplest of everything you have to do, it's all on line), I have sent away to the state for my reserved name, and my state LLC license., once I get that back I can apply for the county Fictitious Business license. What I did find out is that you cannot open a business banking account until you get your state letter of organization. Some banks want even more than that. I have been checking all the banks out on line and right now I might go with Wells Fargo. They seem to be the easiest to deal with. Bank of America was a pain and rude when I went in to talk with them. I walked out, the woman was a prissy b@#$#$. WTF. Really, you don't need my money. No prob.
Here's the other thing and the reason that I say home based not home based business. I went and got a private mailbox which is NOT a PO box. I can use this as my business address as you do not want your home as the business listing if you are an LLC, you can legally tie your home up this way.
So now I'm working on the website. Who to host, what the website domain should be, should I pay to have someone to set it up or do it myself. I'm still working on this. I can't even order the business cards until I get this settled. Along with the phone. I've decided to go with Vonage for the phone line. Since this is just a single person business for now, I'm going to go with the residential since I can forward it to my cell phone. If I decide to get bigger, then I can go with the business option. I did look into ATT doing the home phone line but Vonage has the best deal (9.99 right now). Yeah I'm frugal that way too.
That's about it for now. I'm going to try and update this everyday.
Enjoy life, it's the one you have,